“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”T. S. Eliot
I am in Vancouver now, it seems like a long time ago when I was still what it used to be my home. It was a bit weird to try and fit a lifetime on a 8"x16" storage space, trying to decide on what to keep and what to give away. I have never been emotionally attached to material things, but it was hard for me to walk away from the sentimental value of the objects that have surrounded me for the last 12 years.
The last few months have been incredibly busy,I guess you can tell that my move to Vancouver was somehow me trying to escape something. My house was not healthy anymore, i had spend so much time and money trying to keep the stability that my kids needed but the cost kept increasing, both emotionally and financially, at the end i just didn't want it anymore.
The first step was a clear one, sell my house, the other steps were not as easy to figure out. Been engaged, moving to North Carolina seem like the obvious choice, but when you have kids, falling in love and getting married are not as easy as the first time around. The last months have been a maze of suggestions and decisions to be accounted for, legally is one thing, but doing the right thing is an other. I love Charlie with all my heart but at the end doing things right by my kids is what made me happier, I do want things for myself, but i also know that is only a few more years that my kids need then the rest of my life belongs to me. Fortunately, Charlie agreed with me, reluctantly, but agreed to let me move to Vancouver closer to my sister.
Things aren't exactly easy for Charlie right now, and not been there at this moment makes me feel selfish. The last few months have been of deep soul searching and i longed to go back to the core of my being, the one thing that made wake up every morning and try my hardest was the desire for my kids to a better life. What a lot of people think is why not just go to court and get it? but at what price? to me the best way to give my kids a better life is to teach them to find it, to want it, and that is to lead by example.
You cant make people want things, but if you live your life the fullest you might inspire them to do the right thing. Since i decided to just go hard with what i do best and that is to live my life the best way i know, honest and openly.
I am a lot happier, I am gone back to dreaming again on the things that give me joy, once again I dream of climbing the highest peak, I feel alive and focus. That's how I know when I am on the right path, things where chaotic around me, nobody really seemed sure of my decision yet, at night when things quiet down, I once never doubted, I stood firm yet I had no desire to explained more than it was necessary.
I moved to Vancouver so I can get back to the things that require my full attention. I need to get back to work, soon, but I also have to make sure that my kids are not spending too much time alone at an age where is critical that I am involved, I am also experiencing some challenges with both of my kids, one is loosing focus and wanted to quit swimming, while what type of sport is not exactly important to me, teaching Hans the valuable lesson of following through is a lesson i want him to master. All the talent in the world would be wasted if you don't have the discipline and the desire to work hard.
Karl on the other hand quit exercising because it became to hard for him, the last few years i did what any other single parent will do, i spent countless of hours working at something that was putting food on the table, while my kids were home alone,even long after the paycheque stop coming I kept thinking that it was right around the corner, I just needed to work a bit harder.
so while i am stopping my adventures as a possible source of income, i am now pursuing them just as hard as a passion. It's been a crazy ride and one that i will continue to do as an amateur.
So my decision to move came after analyzing all the obstacles and coming with the best possible solution. My sister lives here so supervising kids will be easier if I have family close, also when I go back to working, having somebody hand me a homecooked meal once in a while will mean everything.
As for my kids, the best way for me to motivate both of them is to join them, I am going to be taking swimming with the intention of doing an Ultraman that way I am less inclined to let Hans convince me to not go to training if I need to get to the pool as well. I am also planning on doing a big biking quest with Karl, just the two of us, so I can have an excuse to be his training partner and he would not feel weird. Most of his peers are either way to advance for him at sports and he will never be invited or not interested in sports so he gets invited to do activities that encourage a sedentary lifestyle, so if i can get to a level where he can join friends he will be invited again.
The next few years will be crazy and difficult but I feel that I am nearing the finish line, you know, by now your lungs burn, your legs hurt and all you want is to quit. But this it the exact moment where been focus is most important. I believe that if i work hard, i will set my kids on a path that will take them to the life they were born to be.
I used to think that that was not possible anymore, just because I was single and struggling finacially now I realized that is not true, is passion, hardwork and unconditional love that will give them the tools they need to succeed in life. And by success I only mean happiness.
As for me, I do believe that if I stay true and do things for the right reason the universe will take care of me too.