You know you are an endurance athlete when..

"Anything that gets your blood racing is probably worth doing" Hunter S. Thompson

Back training for my next adventure, super excited and motivated. I am still ironing some details but will announce it as soon as it's all finalized. Of course back training means back to being OCD about training, it drives everybody around me crazy including my kids so I compiled a list in no particular order of things that I have done that seem unusual to everybody else and if they make sense then you, my friend are an endurance athlete. * Your went into labour at the gym (or your partner) and thought " the water hasn't break, I am sure I can finish this set" * Your kids took all their naps on a baby jogger * your kids art work of you are always a drawing of you on a bike, running or any other action scene. * you know all the bathrooms in a 70 mile radius of your house as well as spots that you can use in case of an emergency that offers privacy *You have more than one health club membership and they know you by first name in all of them *you have said no to a paid trip to an exotic destination because it interferes with your training *You buy your underwear at athletic stores *If you have relieve yourself by using a freshette and/or have been on an adventure where you have to pack your waste and carried back with you *You have no medical training but know what a Piriformis, Gemellus superior, Illotibial band is and it's location *When people ask you " How did your workout work today go?" you replied " Which one?" without irony * While reviewing changes in your work schedule, holiday engagements, vacations with the family and such you start organizing your workouts in your head right away *You have been dropped at work so you can run back home * You have arrived to a party drinking a protein shake * You have left a party early to run back home to have your friends pass you 3 hours later on their way home *You have been told by sports psychologist that you might have an obsessive personality * At a party, you dread the question " So, what do sports do you do?" because it only leads to an all night Q&A * People that know what sports you play avoid you because they still don't know what to think of you *You get super excited when you hear your favorite sports nutrition products launch new flavors/ products *People don't recognize you without your training gear on * Some of your races not only start and end on different calendar days but also in different countries * You have friends that you made in towns with a population of less than 10 * You have been to Antarctica and the Arctic * You start cutting corners on grooming to squeeze more workouts in your day * you have incredibly weird tanlines * You don't watch live TV anymore but PVR your favorite shows and watch them at 5am on your treadmill or bike *When your friends and family try not to push your buttons because is that time of the month they are not referring to PMS but to tapering *If this list made you smile not cringe, YOU ARE AN ENDURANCE ATHLETE

A letter to my son Karl

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."Lao TzuToday you are 18 years old my beautiful son. I hope I still have many opportunities to tell you how amazing you are. As my first born, we have grown together, I am sure I have let you down many times and you have patiently accepted my shortcomings because you understand underneath it all the immense love you mother has for you. I want to let you know you were wanted very much. I didn’t always take such a good care of me. But when I met your father I suddenly realized that I was going to be a mother one day and took the steps necessary to make sure that I gave you the healthiest start. No more smoking or drinking for me. I was 25 when I quit and 27 when you came into my life. We have faced many challenges together. You were just a little boy when you watched you mom stay in bed all day, unable to take you to school because of all the fighting she and dad were having, you were so worry for me and brought me cheerios to bed and tried to make me laugh. Never once you complained when I woke you up one evening and took you away from your big home and toys and moved you to a tiny apartment. I am forever grateful how you comforted your younger brother that cried because now mom was never home going to school full time. I will never forget both of us studying together for finals, sharing pencils and stories. How you lovingly taught you mother the correct order of all the hockey gear that I had to put on you before each game and how you laughed when I asked why didn’t you just choose soccer!Thank you for making me feel so proud when I stood alone at your grade 6-graduation feeling inadequate and guilty and just to feel my chest exploded with joy when they announced your name as the winner of the citizen award of excellence.But that was only the beginning of your amazing strength, as life throw the biggest curveball yet. Just when things were settling back, we had a home and I was now expecting a promotion to management when we learned that your recent clumsiness had a name and a diagnosis, cone rod dystrophy. My own genes gave you undesirable genes and you were now going blind and you were only 11 years old. Once again you were the source of my strength when you came into my bedroom once more to stroke my hair and tell me that it was OK, that I could stop worrying because it was only your eyes. ONLY your eyes. Once again things got though for us as I lost my job, you never complained to that money was tight again. There is not a single day that goes by that I am not in awe of your strength and beauty. You continue to inspire everybody around you to be better simply because your light shines brighter than the darkness than sometimes surrounds us. You still continue to never complain focusing on the positive instead of the negative like the time when you call me excited that you had been approved for a guide dog never once stopping to dwell on the reason why you need a guide dog. You are kind and generous soul that now is you who encourages me to follow my dreams and passions, when I decided to run 2600 plus miles to Mexico you never once question my ability or judged me, you held my hand and said “ Mom, this is something you need to do for you, because I like to see you happy” but went even further by making sure our favorite shows were taped so we could watched them together as a family and I could just pick up being your mother when I returned home easing my guilty for leaving you and your bother for three months. This morning when I hugged you the roles have reversed, you are not the little boy that I held at the hospital 18 years ago, at almost a foot taller it is me who feels safe in your arms Happy Birthday Karl, thank you for being in my life. I am forever blessed to be your motherI love youMom

Running Home- Final preparations

Is almost time to go! I have a few weeks until I start my run home. I am very excited but also full of nervousness. Almost like being pregnant, you cant wait to have the baby then when you are due to give birth you start asking yourself questions like " am i ready?"
I got home to an empty house, my kids were off with their dad to Miami. It was nice to be able to just focus on the details of Running Home, I got a new tarp tent so is very light. Is madness figuring out where to be since I can't run on interstate highways, I have to avoid highway number 5 and some bridges. I have gotten the preparation to the point where I can sleep at night, not awaking every 2 hours panicking because I am not sure how to go across the Washington- Oregon border. The next most important thing is lightening my pack, hygiene is vital but not appearances so no deodorant. Safety is important so yes to technology no to extra clothing, reverse and wear. I am sure i would go thought it over and over it before is ready but i am getting there.

I haven't being training since i ran Modesto Marathon last Sunday, my hip feels better but the lack of training was a bit hard on my confidence, after all training hard is what allows me to feel that I can run all the way to Mazatlan.

Whenever I am start to lack confidence I tell myself the same thing I tell my kids when they say " I am never going to be better" or " I am not good at this"
It takes 10,000 hours to archive excellence on anything. I read an article about this somewhere, cant remember where but what the article talked about some scientist that had done research to figure out if being great at something is nature or nurture and they figure out that is nurture, nature takes care of the type of talent such as Olympic marathoner vs a 3:10 marathoner but nature can't do anything of you don't nurture it.

When i tell my kids that, it makes sense, they automatically know they are just being impatient, have they really tried for at least 10,000 hours before deciding they are never going to be any better? I am just excited now for the opportunity to get that much closer to my better self.
What I am most excited and proud about Running Home is that is simple yet it touches on what is important, we all have the ability to make it from Vancouver Bc to Mazatlan Mexico, it might take some 5 years and others only a month what matters is that we all can. I will be scrapping by on my run surviving on very little. I didn't want to have sponsors that might taint my judgment, safety will always be first, second I wanted to show to some that in the age of fancy sponsorships adventure is what you make of, don't get me wrong,I have a long list of adventures that I need funds for but right now I wanted the simplicity or creating a project that wasn't going to be shelved until i had the funds.
The one thing I am most grateful of is the amazing support of my family, without their support it would have being impossible to dream as big as I do.
I might not talk to you before I go, I need to focus on what's in front of me and spending time with my family.

My brother Carlos in Mexico will be once more managing my social networking when I can't. This is truly an amazing opportunity,I can't tell you how excited is to be going back home. Until then, don't settle for anything before deciding if this is the best you can do.

“Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” Matsuo Basho

Oh The Places You'll Go by Dr Seuss

"You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place..."

Time goes by painfully show when you are waiting. As a single mother, I understand that there are a lot of things that I don't have much control, that doesn't make it easier for me to control my frustrations when I am sidelined because of an injury or scheduling conflict.

To prepare myself to take off for two and half months off there is a long list of things that need to be checked off. I usually start from the least to the most important? why? If its important it will be very likely to be done anyway, but the menial tasks such as preparing my house so my mom can live here comfortably while I am gone is not vital to my run but something that is the right thing to do. If i leave organizing my closet so she can have space to hang her clothes when I am overwhelmed and ready to leave will not be done. So the last few months my life has been consumed with boring but necessary tasks of making sure my house runs as smooth as possible while I am gone.
A pleasant side effect that the performing endless mind numbing tasks such as laundry is that it make me yearn for an open road and adventure. After all you are never going to find a bumper sticker that reads " I rather be cleaning toilets" The reverse will be true after my run to Mexico I will savour the normalcy of being at home if only for a short while.

"On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are."

The hardest part now is being present on my current life, to be a mother, a personal trainer, a sister, an actress on a TV Show. I am physically here but mentally I have to make a conscious decision to be part of my life. My pack is ready to go and I take it out of my closet every day and reorganize the contents everyday. A form of meditation that allows me to then check into my current life.

The difference between an addiction and a passion is it how it affects your personal life. A passion makes you a better person and an addiction feeds your insecurities. Is that understanding that makes me appreciate the other part of my life, knowing my kids support what I do make me want to be a better mother, yes, sometimes I need to have long conversations with my youngest about his fears about my safety. Fear is all relative, safety is an illusion, once you open the door where do you stop, do we stop our kids from playing hockey? how about football, gymnastics. Do we stop going backcountry skiing for fear of avalanches? I do agree that there are sports or activities that carry more risks but is impossible to eliminate risk 100%.

"All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on."

I might have to delay Running Home until May to allow my mom to recover from the surgery that she had to undergo for some skin abnormalities. It was hard to come to terms that I am not leaving soon, like telling a child Christmas would come February instead. I am ready and excited to start, I have everything I need and have no desire to buy any fancy equipment,it will be just me and a beautiful road the US Route 101, So if you run into me and like my friends say, you will know exactly the moment when we know we have lost you, is the look in my face that tells you that I am there already taking in all the beauty and challenges that I am sure to conquer.

"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!"
Dr. Seuss

Running Home- The book second preview

I am still getting ready for my run. Things are going as scheduled. The beauty of being able to just run from my house unsupported give me the freedom that If I don't feel my kids are ready for me to go, I can just postpone.

Training had being going well until two weeks ago, I was showing signs of over training. After two weeks finally I felt whole again. That and my piriformis is making it hard to run this week. Not a major concern, I just have to be more creative while training.

The hardest part is writing the book, I have had to walk away several times. Is strange and difficult since I have to be emotionally involve in the writing to make it truthful and make justice to it but also emotionally absent to criticize the style and organize the content around the thousand memories floating around my head.

The best way I can organize my memories is by choosing the stories of the audience I hope will one day read my story.

I was at the Doctors yesterday, I was there to make sure that my fatigue was not due to something more serious such as anemia. I had my doubts but I need to make sure I am at top of my fitness before I embark on a 2600 mile quest.

The Doctor listen to my request, asked me to fill a questionnaire and left me in the room. As soon as I saw the form I recognized it. It was to assessed depression. He came back and told him my symptoms where strictly physical not emotional. He apologized but clarified that most people that suffer from extreme fatigue is mostly from depression. I explained with as much detail the reasons why it couldn't be. Only a person who has been there could know. Like a wine connoisseur would explain the differences in grapes from one region to an other to a novice. After I explained how I had no problem enjoying my life, hanging out with my family, watching Mexican soaps with my sister or driving across town to taste the best hot chocolate ever. I just felt tired after running only two hours. He seemed horrified that I wanted to ever run more than two hours! but agreed that people who are experiencing depression felt no more pleasure or desire on the things once gave them joy and I just seemed irritated that I couldn't do more.

After my visit it became clearer. The people that I want to read my story are those who are experiencing pain. Not to reinforce their notion that life is unfair, quite the contrary. To make them feel that life is fair but sometimes you need incredibly courage to claim what destiny has for you.
The book idea only came in full force when I sat at the Vision Quest Conference. I sat there listening to new developments on the sight saving research that is almost at a point where it would benefit my son Karl but I couldn't just write a cheque so they can keep going. I came home determined to find a way. My journey is about violence because my life has been marked with terrible violence but it really is the same thing. Karl's condition makes him a target for all kinds of abuse because he is vulnerable. from bulling to domestic violence and that is something I will fight until the end of my days.

Here is the next few pages of the chapter. there would be no more updates after this one. the next few pages where incredibly hard to write and I prefer to keep going forward and not look at those pages again.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Running Home.

Is hard to know when my story truly begins. Knowing my parent history is not hard to imagine how my life evolved the way it did.
I was born in Mazatlan Mexico, the last of 5 children born to two young parents.
My parents relationship was difficult but so where the lives of most Mexicans that we knew. You just made the most of what you got, at least we had a roof over our heads and eat three meals, even if they were simple, we had food. We grew up in a small house, two rooms for all 7 of us, and we always had relatives living with us too, it didn’t matter how bad we had it, there was always always someone worse off than us that needed our help. Our bedroom resembled a hospital ward with rows of beds pushed together.

I can’t say that I ever saw my dad drinking but things where not normal. He was always out and when he came back he would wakes us up to keep him company or watch TV at 2am. Things always turned quickly .One moment we would be singing along, playing and the next minute someone was being punished.
Being the youngest I was spared of the worse physical punishments, I was the one mom sent to calm my dad when he became enraged. It was difficult to hear him punish my siblings, even after he quit drinking; disciplining them as he called it never really went away.
My mom came from a better family, she really never had interest on my dad, he was poor and of a different class. But she liked the attention he gave her so one day my dad offered to take her home, a simple, seemly harmless act that changed her life.
My dad got carried away, didn’t stop. Ashamed and feeling remorse he stood at my grandparent’s house asking for forgiveness and to take responsibility for what happened.
My grandfather refused to allow my mom back home being disgraced, she left right then.She left with my father, a man she barely knew. My parents married a few weeks later in front of a couple of friends only; neither of them was 16 years old yet.
In spite of how it began, I never got the impression that my mom didn’t love my dad, the contrary, they seem deeply in love, years later my mom would tell me the truth. She was practical; no sense on dwelling on things but she never loved my dad.

I have never doubted that there is a God but after what happened next I started to think he has a sense of humor. My dad eventually quit drinking. One evening after coming home drunk, he found my brother Hector helping our sister Muneca with her sawing project. He didn’t want any sissies at home, he said, just before punishing Hector so severely he had to be taken to the hospital. When he found out what he had done the next morning he finally admitted he had a problem and walked to his first AA meeting

I wondered many years how my life would have been if I had been born to a father who didn’t have a drinking problem. I know better now that to wish thing to be different but for many years, when I was in pain, imagining a different life for myself was the only way of coping.

After my dad quit drinking, almost overnight things improved dramatically, my dad got a promotion and we moved to Culiacan, Mexico. We settle in a modest neighborhood but it was luxury compared to the last home. These are the memories I cherish the most about my father; the kind loving man and I believe that even my mom started to fall for him too. I saw a man who stood firmly for injustice, a man whom never refuse help to anyone even if it meant he would go hungry himself.

But things didn’t stay happy for long, all the years of heavy drinking, stress and smoking finally caught up. One evening while we were at the movies. Dad started to feel ill. I was sitting on his lap and my mom was next to us, he felt nausea and mom gave him a hard time for eating too much junk, she asked me to stay behind with my siblings as she took dad home. That would be the last time I saw my dad. By the time the movie ended and we all walked home they where loading him into an ambulance. He had a massive heart attack and died three days later.

I was eleven then, I was the only one to not cry, I loved my dad but he had only been my real father for the last two years and even though he had been sober, we still walked on eggshells waiting for the day he came home drunk again. It seemed that it hit my mom the hardest, gone was the strong woman. She became frail almost birdlike. My three older siblings, Carlos, Hector and Muneca became the breadwinners overnight. They where 18, 16 and 14 and were responsible for themselves as well as my sister Lourdes, my mom and me.

I have to admit that I started to breath a little easier. I falsely thought that things where about to improve for us now that we didn’t have to worry about my dad ever drinking again. I was soon to be proven terribly wrong. What I didn’t know was that as bad as things where at home, dad had somehow protected us from all sorts of evil. With him gone and mom on a fog things could only get worse and I was about to find out about how much. If being the youngest had protected me from the worse at home, outside our house it only made me the most vulnerable.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”

I was recently looking for equipment for training my clients; one of them suggested I try to search Craig’s list. I was shocked to find tons of stuff. Most of the headlines read “hardly used” so as the New Year approaches a lot of you will be making their resolutions I been thinking a lot about what makes someone quit. I don’t make New Year resolutions; I am of the mentality that as soon as I realize I need to work on something or change something right then is the right time. How many times have I heard the “ I will quit smoking after New Years/my vacation/ my birthday” I just think to myself, why? Is that going to be your last Vacation/New year/? You eventually have to manage being around other people who smoke so do it now!

But if you are considering making some health changes you all have my support. Here are some common mistakes.

Start small.
As an endurance junkie this might sound hypocritical but my ‘small’ might not be ‘your’ small. All journeys start with a single step. I often see beginners take on to much and that adds to disappointment and quitting because you are setting yourself to fail. If you are a beginner establishing a routine is the most important, be realistic about how much time and effort you can commit and go for it. I have a daunting goal ahead of me but I broke it into smaller tasks and then applied it. I started with establishing running without a day off first, then increased my distance then added the heavy pack. If you are thinking of bettering your time start by adding speed training to your routine on what you think your body can handle safely, once or twice and don't worry if you don't hit your target every time, you will hit your desired pace once, then twice and so forth. The most important here is that you are trying to change your behavior and mentality, non runner to runner, slow runner to faster runner, couch potato to gym goer.


Stop making excuses.

It hard for everybody and sure there are times that is harder for us than for anybody else but is that the real reason why you are not doing it? My past success on overcoming challenges is that I take ownership always, I spend more time trying to figure out what I contribute to the problem than what other did. I can’t control others but I have control on my actions. Sure I been victim of unfair circumstances that I had little control of it but I took ownership 100% on how I reacted to it and how much I let it affected me. Sometimes it will be hard or impossible because of injuries or commitments but that is never the reason to quit. When it becomes hard for me to train because of circumstances I focus on the other things that I need like planning the logistics of my quest or getting ahead on my responsibilities. So when the window of opportunities opens again I am ready! Stop looking around to find excuses of why you can't do it and start spending time focusing on how you can make it happen. Remember that you become better at what ever you spend most energy on, an if the energy is spent on making up excuses you will just become better at finding more excuses and is that really what you want? I remember the first time I was criticized for running ultras way back when I started, somebody was telling me about a conversation of somebody who was trash talking about me " who do she think she is?" she has only been running for a few months. My friend was upset until she noticed I was smiling, she was puzzled " is fabulous" I said "A few months ago everybody pity me, no body wanted my life, all people where talking about about me was did you hear? now somebody wants my life!i had just gone for something that person had made excuses for to not do and that's why he was upset because I was about to show him that it could be done of you only had the guts to do. Stop making excuses and go for the life you want. When you find yourself at rock bottom learn to rock climb.


Commit

This is a big one. I see lots of new runners or people at the gym at the beginning of the year and just fade away the next few months. Why? Anything that is worth having takes effort. Like a marriage, at the beginning is all butterflies and excitement then it turns into responsibility and doing someone’s laundry, but is all on what you focus on. When I decide I want something I embrace all aspects of it since they are all integral part of the whole project.
The moment you decided to take charge on your health you didn’t say “ I will get healthy until it gets too hard or boring” Is exciting to start something because everybody is supportive and excited for you too. “ Go for it” “100% behind you” In no time things change when it starts affecting your old life, all of a sudden you are not cooking all 3 meals from scratch or changing the sheets every two days or meeting your friends for a drink every Thursday. I took a long break last year, I was getting pressure from everywhere and continuing at the pace I had been going was not possible. Both of my kids needed me home, Karl because of his condition, teachers struggled to find the right plan for him and needed my full attention as he adapted to his new school, Hans' grades started to plummet so I needed to take charge, while I knew that his lower grades where more about the social distractions in particular video games, I swear you can see a pattern of lower grades every time Call Of Duty releases a new edition I was being blamed for it. "You focus on saving the world more than me” First of all I don’t give up much to conversations like that, I want my kids to be givers not takers. Like I told Hans, instead of thinking that I am favoring sons you should be on your knees thanking God every night it wasn’t you the son who was going blind because the odds where just as high. What bother me is not that it was true, but what if he though so? I spend a year and a half watching SNL with both of my boys and making 100’s of Waffles for sleepovers until Hans had no excuse for bringing C's home then he had no choice but to admit what i knew. “ You are right mom,I haven’t had the best attitude towards learning lately and blaming you was the easiest way of justifying it”

Through it all I never lost my commitment towards my goals, I simply had to exercise patience, deal with setbacks as they came and maybe had to modify my plans a bit.

I wish you much success in the next year and all others to come; there is nothing more rewarding than taking control of one’s life. I am know as an incredibly stubborn person and that has cost me some friends or relationships but if somebody doesn’t respect your decisions they shouldn’t be in your life anyway. The way I see it, this is my life and I am in the driver seat. I am often surrounded but the most talented people in the world and I am blessed for that but not even then do I sit back. I surrounded myself with people better than me not because I want them to take care of me but to learn and grow. Is irrelevant of who they are, the way I see it, in my life, I am the president and CEO of my destiny.

Running Home- The book preview

I haven't post in such a long time. Somewhere down the line things became so complicated. I like the way my life is right now but I also miss the simplicity of what running used to be for me so I am going back to the basics again.
I created Running Home A Journey To End Violence, a project that will take me from my house in Delta, BC where I live to Mazatlan Mexico where I was born. I decided it was time to write the book i been meaning to write. I wanted to go to Everest before I did that, I was so focus on making it happen. A lot of people that knew about my desire to climb have always been worry about the dangers, I have never been afraid, i know that if somebody tells me it cant be done is only because they can't picture it themselves. We all fear something, and my fears aren't mountains, I respect them, but I don't fear them. Then I realized what my fear was, standing up to my past so I couldn't delay writing anymore.

I started writing it a few months ago and I became almost paralyzed, is hard reading my journals again, I keep them because I will not deny who I am.
I am so much different than the woman of those pages, but to write the book I had to take myself back to those times, it's not easy, the only thing that helps me get through it is to know that I am not there anymore.


Here is the preview of the first pages, is a rough draft, many more corrections will be done before it will be published.
But I wanted to share it with you, the people that through this blog has held my hand when it got really hard for me. Thank you :)

I open my eyes but I can’t see. Everything is blurry. I blink several times to see if that helps and try to move. I am facedown, I can feel and taste the blood pooled beneath me. Just then all the senses come at once, the sharp pain on my head, on my face, I hear the TV on the background and I am surprise that is in English, I have been living in Japan for about 4 years now, I moved to Tokyo at age 19 on an entertainer visa and most of my circle speaks Japanese. My eyes adjust to the intense light, I recognize the place, I been here before many times. Is the apartment of a guy I just dated, an American model that went back home a few weeks prior.

I try to get up but when I move I get nauseous and dizzy so I just roll to my side and lay on a fetal position. Then I hear him and I remember, his roommate! I ran into him last night. “ Well, sleeping beauty, you are finally up” He sounds upbeat and not very concerned that I am laying on his floor bloody “ What happened? ‘ I ask. “You had a bit too much to drink and you fell and hurt yourself” Sorry I said, deeply embarrassed but also confused.

When I saw him at the club I was on my way to meet some of my girlfriends before heading home after working late. Jason, a tall, all American boy was standing by the entrance and introduced me to his new roommate. “ Watch her” he told him“ Norma the fiery Mexican likes dating my roommates” Then he handed me a drink, I didn’t want to drink last night but I didn’t want to be rude either. Just one I thought.
Sure I have blacked out before, but this time was different, all I had was one drink, and then I don’t remember anything else.

Jason strokes my head as I lay there, I close my eyes again overwhelmed by the pain now being insufferable. Then I hear the sound of a zipper being undone.








I am a liar and a coward. Sure I didn’t intended to lie but by not speaking up I might as well be lying. All I ever wanted was to not hurt anymore

I successfully created a new identity for myself and almost got away with it too, married, had kids and formed a family. Nobody that meets me have an idea of what really went on my head for many years, the shame, the fear, the rage, all they see is a good mom. But I couldn’t build a house out of sand, all of a sudden I am watching it all being washed away, the divorce and later my oldest son diagnoses left me raw.

I been so busy fighting a dragon, one mean beast call blindness that is threatening my son that I didn’t notice it at the beginning. All of a sudden people around me are calling me brave,or amazing. All I am doing for my son is what I should have done for myself a long time ago. My kids are too important to not have the amazing life that they deserve. I feel uncomfortable with being praised, maybe because most of my life I have been accustomed to being told what I had done wrong.

I am an ultra distance runner. Since 2007 I have run long distance races all over the world, even a record on all 7 continents. I started running when my oldest son Karl was diagnosed with Cone Rod Dystrophy. I don’t remember much about that day, Doctors were struggling to figure out what was happening to him. I remember the words progressive, incurable, might lead to blindness. Karl was relieved, he had been telling us that he really had trouble seeing, Doctors didn’t believe him, they didn’t see anything wrong until one fine Doctor knew what to look for.

I was devastated; I though that life was being cruel in the most despicable way. I have never doubted that there is a God; many times I have trouble accepting that terrible things happen, even under his watch.

Running became my escape. I wouldn’t say that running saved my life, only I could do that. Over the years I have understood that nobody or nothing except for my attitude can save me or complete me. I have no control on things or people. The only thing I can control is my attitude and the choices I make.I decided long ago that I didn’t want to live my life in pain or suffer anymore,I have chosen to be positive no matter what, to have faith that this is where I am suppose to be.

Running is what I did to take the edge off when I felt the pain was becoming unbearable. It wasn't always that way, the unhealthy me used to burn herself with cigarettes when pain became too much. But not anymore. I have work so hard to build my new life and be the healthiest mother my children could have. The day after my son was diagnosed I went for a long run, I wanted to run until my skin came off but it didn’t instead I felt better when I returned home. During those long runs at 4am in the darkness I felt stronger finally. All the memories that I had worked so hard to erase came slowly at first, but once I allowed one memory to appear I couldn't stop them all from coming. I had wrongly assumed that if because I had never allowed myself to think about it they would eventually fade.I was standing at the eye of the storm.

Since the day I sat at the Doctors office with my oldest son Karl, I have fought a lot more than a terrible diagnose. Shortcuts lead to dead ends and I had encounter mine, the only way out of it was through it.

When I started running ultra races, some people asked me what I was running away from, what they didn’t know was that I was running towards something. It was time to look at evil in the eye; I was ready to confront my past.

Here is my story