Sunday, April 17, 2011

Seize every opportunity along the way, for how sad it would be if the road you chose became the road not taken. ~Robert Braul

Got an email from the race organizers welcoming me to TransAlsp, it was a great morning waking up to that news. The story of how i got invited is interesting, Bernd Meyer whom I never met has been asking me to be his partner at the race, I declined but he kept emailing me with reasons why i should consider his offer. Better judgment told me not to go, I am not the best at teams, specially the ones required to stay close through the course, mountaineering is different because you are usually walking roped together, behind each other, so even though i am surrounded by people, it still gives me some space. But races like TransRockies and TransAlps, you run together all the way, my problem? there is not escape. i love the solitude of climbing and running long distance,I enjoy going for a run with my best friend Nadia talking and laughing once in a while but is a completely different matter to be out a race for 3 to 5 hrs a day, a week at a time talking. I know where to push her buttons so after a few hours together, i told her something that i knew would get her upset and then she speed off only to wait for me at the checkpoint to cross it together, she never knew why i did it. I cancel on Bernd several times, he likes to talk too so i was very hesitant about it, but something kept telling me that i should consider going, here is an opportunity of a lifetime and i should be taking advantage of it, his sponsors are paying, second, i get more fan mail from Germany that any where else, actually, i only get request for sign pictures from Germany, the first time i showed my sister Muneca the email, I was asking her if she saw a sign of this been a joke, why will anybody want a sign picture of me? Muneca looked at it and said that it looked legit so i send the picture away, then other requests started to arrived. Then i got word that i had made the cover of Trail Magazing that was all i needed to decide that I should go to TransAlps,so i started focusing on running again i am also working hard at been more of a team player.

I am well aware of my short comings, just as i am well aware of the consequences. Every act has a consequence, your life is a direct reflection of your priorities. I strongly believe in taking full ownership of my life, it strengthens the commitment to the choices i have made and it helps me decide, some choices are hard to make, we all have choices, when we struggle is when we are making the ones we are forced to make, they are not the ones we want to make.
They are some people that know me well and can tell you that i might be the most unsympathetic person in the world, Nadia gave me for my birthday a "whining" sand clock, not for me but for her, it saved our relationship, she got one minute of release and for me a time when i could just say, OK, time is up. I work harder on two things, either changing the situation or accepting it, there is no middle ground, the word has never made any progress but just having countless of hours of just talking about a problem, now you know why politics is difficult, you have a lot of smart people terrific at identifying a problem but not great at action.

The problem is not the wasted time, the problem I see if the choices you make while you feel you have no choice. "I might as well just give up and eat myself to death, I am never going to loose weight"
Sometimes acceptance is just patience, contrary to what some people believe, i don't enjoy been single, i dislike the choices i have to make in order for me to be in a relationship, it took me a while to figure out that, yes it was me, it was not until i met Charlie that i realized that. Somebody that believed was right for me didn't workout at all, after we broke up i did almost what an alcoholic does and made amends, contacted some of my past relationships to apologized," sorry remember when I told you that it was really you? sorry, i guess it turned out, it was really me."

I am well aware that as long as i am committed to the choices that i make, the amount of time i spend training, raising my kids alone, and the involvement with my charities, i have to suck it up and not complain if i spend Saturday nights folding laundry while my kids are out with friends.
Of course this is not an easy thing to do, with every choice there is consequence, i disliked making the call to the charities telling them that i was aborting all future climbs because my fiance needed me and and spending the money in helping him instead, as much as i disliked calling Charlie and telling him that i couldn't do it anymore, they where both equally devastating and it brought criticisms no matter what direction I took, so as usual i had to relay on my judgment to make the decision and made myself ready to face the consequence. Sometimes the choice is made for me, like my involvement with the charities, i get cc'd on every conversation Karl school aid with the visual aids specialist for the school district, like the one below.

Can you get speech to text software for Karl's computer? His typing skills are very poor and we believe his eyesight may have deteriorated since school started- he couldn't use it at school so much but he would be able to use it at home for essay writing. It is necessary to 'train' the software to your own voice so he should have some help getting this accomplished?"

After that email i knew i needed to call Charlie. But i take full ownership of it, i stand by the outcome fully understanding that while, i don't have to be involved on the charities, after all who is going to say is my fault if Karl goes blind but i will have to face it everyday asking myself, did I do everything I could?.
I am working on several things that might bring the quest back, I needed to go back to working so it's taking a bit longer than I would like to but this opens many opportunities to maybe do more and better I hope. So everyday I am still living my life with purpose, when the time comes I want to be ready.
Seize every opportunity along the way, for how sad it would be if the road you chose became the road not taken. ~Robert Braul

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ~Mark Twain

I been thinking lots about why i persue time consuming and diffuclt paths since really nobody is watching all the time, why not just skip a work out or eat poorly? we have the life that we deserve, happines and kindness attracts that, more happiness and kindness.
I am working on the most difficult job because it has a very superficial angle, yet i work with people sometimes 20 years my senior and i feel right at home, i am very comfortable with who i am.

There are a few reasons of why living a healthy life is worth it.

From age 25 to age 30 i wore glasses full time, with time as i took better care of myself, it progressed to only for reading or driving until i stop wearing them al together, in my last eye exam a month ago i was told my vision is 20/20

I am 43 and turning 44 this year, my skin is healthy and hardly feel the need to wear make up

, not Halle Berry but so much better than famous party girl Lindsey Lohan's skin)

I was dignossed with depressions in my teens and early twenties and had lots of health problems that couldn't be diagnosed, most doctors attibuted it to genetics ( daugter of an alcoholic and raised in poverty), finally one smart Doctor told me that it was my lifestyle that unless i changed it was only getting worse. It has been 20 years since the last time i had to say in bed because of stress or depression, or had to self medicate with alcohol or cigarets, and except for my Mexican temper that shows up once in a while( i am soo not a pushover) i am very happy, genuinely, deep in my core happy.

I have deep and meaninful relationships with people close to me, my kids, family and friends. Kindness brings internal and external peace while i adore to participate in events that are full of drama or exciting i crave order and peace in my personal relationships, things get chaotic from time to time and they are dealt with when they raised but there is no need to bring anymore chaos into my personal life.

Is not necessary to make big changes right away, for me it has been a long road to find mysellf here, it started with minor changes then major ones like quitting smoking at age 24 and then drinking. I never did it for health or vanity, it was simply because i was tired of treating myself badly, is in funny we are great at nurturing others but terrible at nurturing ourselves? self compassion is a very difficult thing but is the best gift you can give yourself and to the ones close to you.

So what is it?
With me started with one word " enough" as in I am enough and i had enough, i am very glad i been journaling since the age of 12 is great to see the progression and also when i was ready i was able to see that sometimes i wasn't kind to myself, maybe i believed that i deserved it but it took one brave day to say enough, of course it was just the beginning, i took many steps back but just as many forward and that is what i needed, to just take the first step to accepting who i was.
So kindness start with you, you can't give what you don't have.

here is the actual entry of in my journal July 19, 2002 ( coincidentally is the year of my divorce)
"it's almost midnight, the clock is turning to the 19th day and today is the start, the beginning and it all start with a single word, enough.
I had enough of living my life complaining for what i don't have or what it should have been.
I's enough of me waiting for the perfect man, job, or my kids been at a right age to be fully happy and fulfilled.
It's enough with just what the universe has granted me
I am enough.
from this moment i promise to never compromise my life anymore.
I will respect me
I will believe in me
I will not compromise anymore
I will work had to accomplish the things i believe i can
I will not seek an easy way out
I will honor my believes
I will do what i takes.
Because I am worthy of a great life and all i need is he courage to take control of my life again".

Of course there were days that i cried after that entry but i went back over and over to it and i still do when i find myself at cross roads i go back to remind myself of the things that matter to me and also to avoid making the same mistakes.

Why am i sharing? i know there are some people out there that are having a hard time right now that need a friend, i want to extend my hand and say the same things i told myself almost 10 years ago, you are worth it, just have the courage to make the changes necessary to have the life that is meant for you, kindness starts with you.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

you know you are at Coyote Two Moon when..

You know you’re at C2M 2011 when:
10. Your fellow runners are adorning propeller hats, butterfly wings and jungle bells.
9. You receive a free dermabrasion treatment on top of the ridge with your paid entry fee. Courtesy of Mother Nature.
8. Your Race Director is wearing a Pig costume.
7. You’re headlamp is doing no good, cause your breathe is so hot in the cold air you can’t see through it.
6. You reach Howard’s Creek “Love Shack” and are offered Peace, Love and Merlot.
5. The “Rockstar” volunteers offer to help you change your clothes, cause your damn fingers won’t work anymore.
4. There’s a rubber snake on top of the ridge in a blizzard. What the…
3. You find yourself running down Cozy Dell in a pair of platform sneakers made of mud, but don’t remember putting them on.
2. Chicken broth seems like the next best thing since sliced bread.
And the number 1 reason you know you’re at C2M 2011 when:
Every runner, crew and volunteer has returned safely off the mountain.