"You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place..."
Time goes by painfully show when you are waiting. As a single mother, I understand that there are a lot of things that I don't have much control, that doesn't make it easier for me to control my frustrations when I am sidelined because of an injury or scheduling conflict.
To prepare myself to take off for two and half months off there is a long list of things that need to be checked off. I usually start from the least to the most important? why? If its important it will be very likely to be done anyway, but the menial tasks such as preparing my house so my mom can live here comfortably while I am gone is not vital to my run but something that is the right thing to do. If i leave organizing my closet so she can have space to hang her clothes when I am overwhelmed and ready to leave will not be done. So the last few months my life has been consumed with boring but necessary tasks of making sure my house runs as smooth as possible while I am gone.
A pleasant side effect that the performing endless mind numbing tasks such as laundry is that it make me yearn for an open road and adventure. After all you are never going to find a bumper sticker that reads " I rather be cleaning toilets" The reverse will be true after my run to Mexico I will savour the normalcy of being at home if only for a short while.
"On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are."
The hardest part now is being present on my current life, to be a mother, a personal trainer, a sister, an actress on a TV Show. I am physically here but mentally I have to make a conscious decision to be part of my life. My pack is ready to go and I take it out of my closet every day and reorganize the contents everyday. A form of meditation that allows me to then check into my current life.
The difference between an addiction and a passion is it how it affects your personal life. A passion makes you a better person and an addiction feeds your insecurities. Is that understanding that makes me appreciate the other part of my life, knowing my kids support what I do make me want to be a better mother, yes, sometimes I need to have long conversations with my youngest about his fears about my safety. Fear is all relative, safety is an illusion, once you open the door where do you stop, do we stop our kids from playing hockey? how about football, gymnastics. Do we stop going backcountry skiing for fear of avalanches? I do agree that there are sports or activities that carry more risks but is impossible to eliminate risk 100%.
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on."
I might have to delay Running Home until May to allow my mom to recover from the surgery that she had to undergo for some skin abnormalities. It was hard to come to terms that I am not leaving soon, like telling a child Christmas would come February instead. I am ready and excited to start, I have everything I need and have no desire to buy any fancy equipment,it will be just me and a beautiful road the US Route 101, So if you run into me and like my friends say, you will know exactly the moment when we know we have lost you, is the look in my face that tells you that I am there already taking in all the beauty and challenges that I am sure to conquer.
"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!"