Sunday, October 21, 2007

Love that is not madness is not love

What a week it has been. I was out last night and I was amaze how hard is not to obsess. I don't think that I don't like to go out because I am OC about running. I really don't like it. I enjoy an intimate dinner party, movies, theatre, music. Is just the big impersonal parties that I feel like fish out of water. What can I possible have in common with a bunch of strangers that the whole goal of the evening is to get a s drunk as possible or hooking up with somebody before you friends do?
Nothing wrong but I don't like drinking much and I am want to go home alone since my kids are gone to a friends house and I am looking forward to an interrupted night of sleep.. Am I just terrible wrong?
Except for that my life is going great. Karl is getting all the help he needs at school. St. James is doing a lot more that they are required to do by law and I could not be more grateful. Karl comes home beaming everyday showing me all the special books or showing me all the equipment he is getting to help him be independent in school. Things like large font text books, extra light in his locker, a colored volleyball with a bell inside, a CCTV computer to enlarge text to any book at school. I am very grateful because he feels empowered. I don't want to sound like Oprah here but that is what a child like Karl needs.
There was a minor bump on the road, Karl has giving up riding his bike and is bothering him. I explained best I could that even as a fully able person, we still by choice don't do everything we are physically able to do, we still choose only the things that appeal to us, so in the greater scope of things he still was doing as much as anybody else, the only difference is the choice was being made for him. There are a lot of things that he still could do and concentrating on that was not a less courageous thing, it was just practical. Karl has been so determine to show himself and everybody around him that this is not going to stop him that he is not giving himself a break. So after talking to Hans we came up with perfect alternative tandem bike, Karl loved the idea, although he question my driving skills, Hans complained that he could never beat us since it was two against one. I love my family, I love that we are able to look after each other.
Hans had an amazing week as well, he did amazing yesterday at his first swim meet and won a couple. Greg and I sat there beaming with pride, seemed very normal until other parent came to congratulate me and my husband for Hans. "He is not my husband", I replied, "he is my ex'.. I didn't want to say my ex boyfriend because it sounds like it was just a casual hook up, I must as well say, this ex convict I dated for a couple of weeks.. To my kids he is like a stepdad" you mean your ex husband?".." Hans' dad?" " no, he is my other ex"... " I guess you can call him the exstepdad" .. I some how felt like Elizabeth Taylor and I was on my third husband by now. I guess looking from the outside it might be a bit unconventional.There is a reason why people decide it is not working for the two of you. but how about the kids? what do they have to do with it? They have a completely different relationship with that person and that's what I see.Their relationship was working amazingly well. I asked my kids a few month ago how they where feeling about the whole thing and they said that their biggest fear was never been able to see Greg again. That's when I knew I was doing the right thing.Is their relationship, they decide when is enough.

I am ready for my trail run, I went to Barrier lake last Sunday and I felt butterflies in my stomach, I get such a trill to be out there in nature running on my own. Is my favourite thing to do. I am waiting for my Garmin 305 to come, a present to myself for my birthday in a couple of weeks. I am exited about trail running and I would like to track my performance better, is becoming a bit trickier now since i also started my class from university, I can't just endlessly run, I need to train smart and accommodate studying on top of kids, their schedule and work.
Last night talking to a few people I felt uncomfortable, is not my world at all. Is not where I belong, I belong here in my life, with my kids,and doing all those things that make me happy, taking care of them,looking after them. I know they are growing and ready to go out in their own, that's why I run, that is the thing I do for me, it will be there when they leave.
At this moment I enjoy being there mother and taking care if them, I wish I could put them on a tandem bike forever and take them around their life with me protecting them from all their challenges they are sure to face. But my role is to love them as much as I do then let them go and be there when they need me.

No comments: