Saturday, January 19, 2008

" When everything seems to be coming your way, you might just be in the wrong lane"

How are you? how about now? I have been very sick lately and with my new job my kids back at school and training, I have become as mythical as Bigfoot.During Christmas it seemed as was everywhere, but now,I am most often found at home. Lately I feel over exposed, I am just glad to be home with my kids or out on a trail with my bff Nadia snowshoeing. Nadia and I if you haven't met us, we are like Oprah and Gail with out the gay rumors, at least I don't think there are any, but that will explain why I have more male fiends than females and why some people will not return my call.

We where out for the first time together last Sunday to Moose Mountain. It was a beautiful Sunday morning and we had a great time together

I haven't been feeling well so I was glad that she was making all the talking, I was struggling to keep up with her uphill, nothing raised flags, you know the usual, but I guess she was wondering that since I wasn't talking something was up. " I am fine you know"" the kids are great, I love my new job, it pays my bills, I really for the first time, can't complain" " really" she said still not convinced, " I guess, I am surrendering to my life after all" " But where do you see yourself in I don't know 10 years" she added still not convinced.

The greatest thing about snowshoeing is that is tiring enough that with that short conversation both of us greeted silence with relieve. The problem with surrendering is that it looks a lot like giving up and no friend wants that for a friend, embracing yes, giving up hope, no.

I do have to admit that even a best friend will be concern when she will get a call from me Friday night and saying " You are going to be so jealous" " Do tell" at that moment for the tone of her voice I realized something, my answer was not what she was expecting, then I recalled that this weekend is Robert Kennedy's Waterkeepers weekend at Banff and a lot of celebrities are in town, she was probably thinking I had met someone famous and asked me out. " you know with all this snow that fell today, I can go snowshoeing in Nose Hill park tonight when I take our kids swimming, no need to wait to drive to the mountains" I said now rather embarrassed " I know I am a loser" I added " you are not a loser and yes I am jealous"

The truth is hard to explain why my races mean so much. I am sure that everybody expected things to fade by now but it doesn't work that way. It's ingrained in me and it's hard to let go.

The best possible way to make you understand is to take you back to Mexico, long time ago, when I was 5, I remember asking my mom if I could try for the dance competition. My mom said yes and I am sure it was hard, we didn't have money and being in the dance show meant she had to buy me clothes, never the less she said yes, I got in the dance show but it was a small part and as a boy, my mom aways dressed me as a boy because we couldn't afford new clothes and we only got hand me downs, the girl clothes where for my sisters, "plus you looked better as a boy anyway" she told me when I asked recently.

I remember dancing my heart out for years until one year when I was 9 where I got my first solo part as a girl, my mom of course run to buy me a dress, I remember wearing my dress for the first time, it was white and brand new, she couldn't afford shoes so she bought me white sandals and with white socks underneath, from far away they looked like shoes. I will never forget the feeling, and also watching one of my male cousins cry because until now he assumed he had been playing with a boy, he never talked to me after that. I of course continued to dance, even when people though I should stop, I was a bit to old to be doing that, shouldn't she be out dating? .But dancing got me to a better school, where I continued to dance then eventually to modelling then to TV and then to Japan at age 19 away from poverty and crime in Mexico.That is what I see and feel standing at a race, I see a 9 year old with a brand new white dress. That is all I have ever know, grab a dream and don't let go.

I am excited about racing season, and I bit disappointed, Swiss Jura Marathon might be out, but I still have my hopes, the organizer couldn't wait any longer, I looked at my bank account and decided fixing my roof was a priority. " Please one more month" " no go. you too late" Urs said with what I assume was a very Arnold like accent on his email. $790.00 is a lot of money, I pay for my races, every cent I collect goes to the CNIB but for every dollar I spend I raise 3 so I am happy.

But I did sign for a new race the Blackfoot Ultra 100K and I am thinking about racing 6 out of 7 of the Alberta Ultramarathon series. At $50.00/race they are a bargain. I would like to do all 7 but I am in Europe the month on July. Too bad there is a new ultra race this year, The Sinister Seven
I would love to run this race, 135K in Crossnest Pass, but I am counting on running it next year.

As for the answer of the question Nadia had, by the time we where on our way back down Moose Mountain, I had figure out " Here" I said," Here?" " yes here, I am not sure if you will be here, or my kids, or a boyfriend or by myself but one thing I do know is that I am going to be here, out on the trails ten years from now"

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