"It'll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience, " Guns N Roses

This is the longest I have stared at a blank screen trying to make out all the words in my head.
The Frozen Ass 50K was this Monday, the race went as I had planned, I held back until 30k then I started to pick up the pace feeling strong just to finish 3rd as predicted, wait that was my dream the night before, what really happened was completely different.

The race itself started long before Monday, my kids where gone so I had the chance to just stay home and try and make sense of how I was going to attack this beast. My sister who is the most spiritual person I know offer great advice, “You have done the job, now you have to prepare mentally. pray, visualize yourself finishing strong in third place, taste the air, smell the sweat of people around you, you need to make it as real as possible, tell as many people you know what you want to accomplish, that will help you push though the last leg because you are not going to want to disappoint them"

I had decided to try and place 3rd for this race, after looking at last years results, I realized third place finished 4:55:50, I could do that, so I planned and practice for a 4:55 finish. Nadia and I chatted several times and she walked me though the race, " be patient, do not attack until after 30K, if you go to fast to soon you will just fade to the back, if you exercise self control, then you are only racing the last 10K in pain, you are prepared to do that" sounds reasonable.

Shane offered to support me, it was only a 50k race but he said he was coming anyway so I might as well put him to work. Ride to and from? Check. The night before I paced up and down several times, I decided to try and find a song that was going to motivate me when things got though, I pour over my song list, Alanis? Too angry. Keith? Too lonely, then I found the perfect song, Daughtry, Hopeful, that was me.


Race day was just unbelievable, the weather fantastic 9c and it was a full race, with the weather so mild nobody stayed home, there were about 200 people, some who where there for the half only. Just before the start Shane pointed to my race number " three, that is an omen" he grinned, then he handed me tiny little boxing gloves, " just in case" and he smiled some more. At 9 am we started, my legs where happy to be running again, the excitement around me made me run faster than I needed, a fellow runner alerted me I was going to fast by yelling after he notice in my race number I was doing the full" I slowed to my maximum speed allowed. the path was icy, and bumpy, running on it made it very tricky and painful since it was an uneven surface. Shane was waiting on aid stations and I handed him layers as I warm up. I was running light using only aid stations for water and food.

At the turn around point that is where I could fully see how many women where ahead of me and how far. three I counted, first and second too fast for me to catch as I had predicted but third was close enough for me to catch, the word patience lost it's meaning once I turned and got a clearer picture of who was I really racing against, everybody in front of me was now a competitor. I caught and passed third after 20 minutes and left her behind, I could hear her trying to catch up to me, I was now running faster that I was suppose to, "is ok" I told myself, once she is far behind me I'll slow down. Shane was screaming in excitement every time I came to an aid station. I started to go over all the things my sister told me, 40K and I was still third, I was hurting but the outcome matched the effort I was putting. I was not going to look back so I decided not to slow down; make sure 4th was way behind me. "It works" I told myself, "the secret thing my sister talks about all the time, it works, I am going to read it when I get home, heck I am going to write one when I get home".


Then out of nowhere, a lady in a funny hat passed me like I was standing still. third I though, I was beaten, I slowed way down enough to fight the tears, then 4rth and 5th passed me, two sisters with matching Boston Marathon jackets " the Barbie twins as Shane called them. It didn't matter any more, I try picking up the pace but my legs refuse to go faster, it felt so good to walk, it was like asking your mouth to stop eating after a bite of your favorite dessert, finally they got going but not at the same speed. I saw Shane around the next corner” you can catch the Barbie twins, I saw them walking, they are hurting" what exactly he thinks we all being doing and feeling" I thought not in such a nice way though. "8 more k to go" announce the guy in the aid station, "6 you mean" I replied, no 8 is 52K not 50," sick people, calling it the Frozen Ass 50K, why not called it the Frozen Ass 52K.

My legs finally started doing its thing again, I keep my place 6th, the twins keep looking back to make sure I was not going to attacked, I was close enough to see the logo of the Boston marathon on their jackets. I was flatter but I was beaten, I hurt all over, all I could think was " this is only half the distance of my next race" then I could see the finish line, Nadia and Shane where there, they could see the disappointment in my face, at that very moment, like a twisted joke, Daughtry's song started playing in my ipod, "shut up" was all I could think, somehow the Rocky theme doesn't have the same effect if Rocky is not standing on top of the stars victorious, mid way sucking wind and the music playing doesn't have the same dramatic effect.



(Congratulations you are 5th. 6th you mean, no 5th the lady in the funny hat was a relay, the twins where 3rd and 4th.)
The next 24 hours where not a walk in the park, my body was hurting but not as bad as my morale, I had forgotten everything I had learned, I didn't race my own race, my watch read 4:47:48, I had beaten the time I was set out to do, but I was too angry to enjoy it,. I avoided the phone as it rang and rang, "me and my stupid mouth, how many people did I talk to the last two days?” I screened calls that evening, I was feeling terrible and cried most of the afternoon and didn't feel better until I picked up my kids that evening, I offer my Ex husband to drive half way so he didn't come all the way just to turn right around. there standing in a gas station in the middle of nowhere is where I found peace, it was my youngest arms around my neck that felt good, I know it was his arms and not his words because the first words he spoke to me where " what happened to your hair? you look like a poodle" after the race I had no strength to straightened my hair, there I was looking like Bon Jovi with the 80's hair with two tiny arms around my neck, my oldest didn't hug me until we got home, somehow, 70k away from the city was to close to your friends, you never know, you might be seeing hugging your mom. I spend the evening watching TV with my kids, I was quiet but they are used to see me sad when they leave for a few days to see their dad, I have build my life around them, they are the pillars of my existence and when they leave, well, the foundation is a bit shaky. Jerry the subway guy's commercial came on TV, he was standing on a stage and everybody was clapping because he had lost 240lb," maybe I should do that instead, I should put a lot of weight and then loose it all" I thought to my self. I wanted to be standing there on a stage holding a big pair of pants and have everybody clapping.

I never told my kids anything about what happened. I had showed the worst possible display of spormanship. I did congratulate everybody at the finish line, but I had not smiled when I did that. I asked Shane to drive me home without mingling with the other runners. Of course I couldn't avoid returning calls for ever, before the suicide watch team came knocking I picked up. Everybody try to make me feel better, there were the funny “what, too many cookies on the weekend?” the poetic “The principle is competing against yourself. It's about self improvement, about being better than you were the day before." which it made me even more angry, after all I am still top 10 after a year of training, The best came from a friend of mine who said something true, although it made me even angrier when I heard it." it will all make sense later" it's funny how everybody had a story about the time that they almost made it to the podium, Clayton from the office was half a second from making it to the Commonwealth games a few years ago" stupid goggles" he said, the emotion was so vivid that he went back to the pool the next day after our conversation, the last time he had set foot on a pool was three years ago, he is starting a triathlon relay team at the office.

That evening things somehow started to make sense, Greg called to see how I was making up, he is only person that except from my family really knows who I am, he is use to me calling frantically because I got a B on Business Law while I attended SAIT with a work load of 9 classes a semester that make the school counselor shiver every time he saw me down the halls, I had always gotten A's in Business Law. Greg listen patiently to me, how I realized this is a lot more about me that it is about Karl, Hans and the CNIB, how I truly believe I have chance at winning this thing, this is not about the race but about me, about this crazy dream of completing a series so difficult only a handful of people who enter at most will finish, if I can set my goals so high and truly believe I can accomplish them, then the sky is the limit, I couldn’t believe how much it matter to me to finish." you are different now" " I have never seen you this cocky" he said, is almost like you are a different person" he added, it made me smile, I did feel different, not in a bad sense but in a stronger person way. He then help me form the next plan for the next race as he walked me thought the next steps to make sure I didn't make the same mistakes.

I wish I could tell you that the moment it all came to me, was the moment I talked to my friends that it was among friends where I found the true meaning of why I was there in the first place, but it wasn't, it was the moment Greg mention the word " what is your plan for the next race on the series" that moment came later at home as I check the results for the Ultra Series, 4th in line, only 3 points behind the twins. I was so caught up in the results that I forgot this is not just a race but a stage of this thing call the Alberta Ultra Series. I called Nadia to get the training schedule for Boston, my next race " I didn't think you where going to race that one" she said surprised, " are you kidding, I want the jacket" I said, I want to be wearing the jacked when I cross the finish line at the Blackfoot Ultra, I want people to yell," Look at the triplets" when I come around.

To be continued.....