Thursday, January 15, 2009

it's 3am and I can't sleep

"Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it" 3AM Song by Matchbox Twenty

I have been up for about an hour and i am having trouble sleeping. I leave for Brazil in a few days for my first race and things are all over the place, I am still waiting on my visa, I sent it to Toronto instead of Vancouver and I am not sure it can be process on time even after using a visa agent, the good news is that I can fly to Argentina and get it at the border.
I have Antarctica right after Brazil, the only day when I can go to the Russian base to run my 100k is Jan 28th, Brazil is Jan 23-25, I have a flight that leaves Sao Paolo to Cape Town Jan 26th to get on a Russian plane to make it to a Russian bas in Antarctica where i will be running 100k. Richard Donovan is marking the course and officiating the race to make it official, I have never met him but he was a key part of making it possible in 7 months. The amazing thing is that he is the first person in the world to run 7 races in 7 continents in a single calendar year, so it will be an honour meeting him. I need to finish Brazil in under 48 hrs to make my flight in Sao Paolo, i will need to work in recovering fast since I have to run 100k 4 days later.

Things are all set, my mom and my niece Marianna arrive to look after my kids so I am not worry, they will be so loved that will hardly miss me. All the charities, cnib, Operation Eyesight Universal and Foundation Fighting Blindness are all behind me, Bolt Supply House my sponsor has been amazing and decided to sponsor me for this year so i am not left scrambling trying to find the funds and i feel my training has been right for this kind of challenge specially now that Ray Zahab overlooks my training,I mean, he just broke the world record in the South Pole!, who better than him to overlook my training.

My head is on the right space, i have worked on this project for so long in my head and in my heart i feel ready, so why am I awake?

Karl went for testing yesterday, he went to see a specialist in gene disorders that affect the vision. After all, the reason to be as involve as i am is to find the best possible care and options. i have heard that there are going to start human testing on a cure for Cone Rod Dystrophy. First they needed to determine all the history of the illness to see what is available to him.
What happen next I am still trying to figure out.
" your son has a very rare disease, his vision is a by product of it as where his extra digits ( he was born with 1 extra finger and two toes) this illness affects other organs, the good news is that his vision will stay stable until much later in life ( did he say good news) my colleague and i agree in this diagnosis but we need to do more testing to see where he fits in, until recently they where only a few types of this disorder, now there are twelve, we don't feel there is much concern but to avoid unnecessary stress we will hold the diagnosis until we can properly know which type he has"

She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining" 3AM song MatchBox Twenty

" this is a genetic disorder is nothing you did, mom and dad have to both carry this very rare gene to pass it down" all I could thing at this point was the play that i listen to at Dining in the Dark, a fundraising event for FFB where you eat blindfolded and listen to a play, in the play the man explains his genetic conditions as his parents both bringing bread to the pic nic and no sandwich meat. we both brought bread i though.

I left the office confuse, is it good, after all his vision has been of concern for me for the last 3 years and it will be stable for the most part of? he will qualify for extra aid at school enabling him to stay at a regular school a concern that came up at the last parent teacher interview that in spite the special accommodations his grades are still slipping.

I was left feeling like I been building castles out of sand. is it to soon to push the panic button?
Talking to Nadia i told her i felt like I just open door number 3 just to find door number 4 behind " honey" Nadia said " I think you open door number 87" " you been doing this for a long time"

Somebody said to me that i somehow attract trouble when explaining my past relationships. I am pretty mellow but my life is anything but, ironic isn't?

So here I am, exactly where I found myself a few years ago, unable to fall back asleep, the reason why I started running is because i couldn't sleep, i am so grateful to have some races coming up, i am sorry they are so far and i will be long for long but i need to be out there alone in nature to figure out what is my role in the universe, is trough pain that we find ourselves. And with hope this is somehow a way the universe is giving me the push I need to finish the quest i have in front of me, the universe reminding me the is not over, and that i still have a lot of work to do.
Oh, by the way I peaked behind door number 87, i saw door number 88.


1 comment:

Sunshine Girl said...

I think it is probably an under statement to say "You have a lot on your mind" at this point!! Between the organizing, the training, the obsessing, the boyfriend, the family, the REALITY is you are going to need hundreds of km's to make sense of it all!! Keep Strong. Keep Calm. Keep Going.