I close my eyes and think, when i open them i am afraid to think again. So many things going though my head. I didn't think this was important to share, even i get tired of me, but if i don't write i will not go to sleep and i am tired.. I am still trying to figure out if i should go to Coyote 2 Moons or not. I been working hard to find a balance,is not easy, after all the last few years have been all about extremes. I am trying to be responsible and be home more for my kids, and it;s working, grades are going up and the house is livable even if i die a little everyday looking at the world continue, mountains to be conquered,races to be run, but i truly believe that things can happen i just have to be patient. It will be a tragedy if i become in love of trying to save the world and forget about my kids dreams, right now the most important thing for me is to make sure my kids dreams and hopes do come true, just like any other parent on an endless schedule driving to and from lessons and homework. My kids are happy, I count the days until my next race, or continuously day dream about my next adventure, I am so grateful for that, not sure what i would do if i didn't have that.
Today I found out i failed part of my final, not to worry she said, the truth is that with so much going on is no surprise, taking classes, training, kids and constantly traveling to see Charlie was difficult for me to concentrate on my classes and had to postpone quite a few to accommodate my trips to the USA, since i broke my hand and the programs had to be written by hand i had to wait until the last minute to submit them and they were not my best job, but i had to submit them and i missed several key parts of the programs, and now it might be to late the deadline to get it done has past, i can do a better job for sure but i have to start all over again since there is a time limit to finish the program. Sometimes I feel like my life is one giant game of chutes and ladders. After the call I sat on the car thinking, "What happened?"" I even had my wedding dress picked" I know that true life is for better or for worse but i have seen plenty of for worse, i am so ready for the better part.
Is no use trying to quit, i have tried before and i just delay things, I quit acting before when i found myself stressed and unable to manage the pressure of such industry, i have tried to reinvent myself many times over, to take college classes, to try to be taken seriously but i should never worry about what other people think and I should have follow my passion. Here I am now, working as an actor again, i think is ironic that i didn't think that i was pretty enough to be in the industry, and now i found myself nocking on doors and having the very same door that i closed before opening, now that my hair is going grey and the wrinkles stay even after i have stopped smiling.
But i guess maybe i needed to take a long detour, so i could be ready for my life. The wonderful thing about been older is that i completely refuse to quit, I want this life so badly that i am willing to wait for as long as necessary, more than the acting, adventure is where i feel at home, so yes, i am not sure how i will manage but i will make it to Coyote 2 Moons 100 mile ultra and ironman, Tx and i will also ride across Canada this summer, life owes me that, I am a good mother and i deserve to do the things that are positive and make me happy. After all is for my kids own good, the reason why they are dreaming big is because they feel safe at home, safe to dream big and nobody will laugh at their dreams no matter how unattainable they might seem.
So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.