In a few days I will be running Coyote 2 Moons. I am unreasonably nervous, i couldn't put it into words, the dreading feeling, until I had a conversation with Jack who is generously helping me with the logistics and letting me crash at his hotel room floor " if you find space" apparently i am not the only ultrarunner wanting to save money. He was asking me about my reluctance and I realized I felt like a plane crash survivor, I was feeling guilty for wanting to continue with my life knowing that Charlie is not free. Yes, I had nothing to do with it yet I feel terribly guilty. I have wanted to just lay low and work at a Starbucks for a while but it seems I am not good at it. It seems crazy after I yelled to the world that I wanted to do something about my son's condition how could I back away now? the great thing about taking some time off to sort things out was that it was a wonderful time to take care of the things that where neglected, having moved to Vancouver proved to be right,as hard and time consuming as it turned out to be, my kids could not be happier or healthier, I get to see my sister Muneca everyday and her family, scheduling things with her help is so much easier that I wonder how did I ever do without her. like now, I just get to leave and she takes over until my ex-husband comes to town for the kids for spring break.
Once I made up my mind I could feel the excitement building up, in a few days I will be with some awesome people that I have never met on an amazing adventure, the joys, the pain I will savour it all.
I am starting a series call dream big, I want my life back, all of it, I am going to stand tall and admit that I want more from life and I am not afraid to go for it. I am fortunate to be given the opportunity to live this life, a life of adventure that I have learned to love and refusing it will be ungrateful to the universe that had so generously offered to me in the first place.
I can see my life clearly, I will probably not die wealthy I like love my family too much to watch my bank account get bigger and them struggle ,I find it weird that some people just write a check to a charity get a tax receipt and dont really take the time to see if there is a niece who can't afford school tuition or a sibling who lost a job, I might not have a big bank account when I die but I will die as someone who lived fully and I hope my kids follow suit.
For C2M surviving will be the main plan, I haven't run 100 miles without stopping since Iron Horse Ultra in 2009 so it will be smart to stay conservative and see what happens. Howard is in my start group and I will be shadowing him all the way, Howard finish shy of 30hrs last year and he said it was hard.
I am starting to stay awake at night dreaming of what else I want to accomplish, it feels so good to have dreams and goals again.
So my question to you is, if I gave you permission to dream big what will it be?
"Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined."- Henry David Thoreau