Tuesday, August 28, 2007

If you don't like the ending of the book, write an other chapter

I have been thinking about what motivates us lately. My good friend from Venezuela stopped by Sunday night. I hadn't talked to her in a while, she is in love again and it showed. She is been separated from her husband for two years now and she is madly in love again. She is really pretty but she looked ever more beautiful as she talked to me about this guy. She definitely was glowing.

Passion is something that drives us to seek pleasure while risking pain.Is funny how my friend was looking at me with horror as I excitedly talked about the Death Race and my next race the five peaks in Canmore in a couple of weeks, 13K at the Nordic Centre? no way she said. The funny thing is that I was thinking the same thing about falling in love again. I much rather run 125K than falling in love again. At least for now.

What motivates us is either seeking pleasure or avoiding pain. Sometimes it starts like one and develops and an other. Running for me was a way of avoiding pain, the pain of laying in bed hour after hour thinking and unable to fall asleep. as the pain slowly left, I experience pleasure, the pleasure of feeling strong, the pleasure of keeping up to my best friend Nadia, a way better runner than me.

My kids couldn't sleep last night. Karl woke up at 3am with a panic attack, he is starting grade 7 next week and he is very nervous, he was worry his teacher wouldn't know about his eyes and would ask him to do something he wouldn't be able to do "Then you tell her you can't and explained why and what you need to do to be able to do it" I calmly told him. Then Hans woke up and joined in the panic attacked "What if nobody likes me" he asked, I had decided to pull him out of his school too and move both of them to a school that offered elementary school and junior high together. I feel guilty for doing that to Hans but family comes first. I need him as my spy, I know Karl will never tell me if he had a bad day, but Hans always will. After a 20 minute conversation with both of them about how we can't all do everything and event if we are able we might choose not to. and to Hans I simply said that if I could find friends he certainly could too, he looked at me and smiled.

I went on a short run after dinner and they both biked with me. Karl felt great, he knows the way really well and that makes him feel really good about himself. Is hard for him to do anything that is new, he relies on memory to fill in the blanks, is like doing things while squinting hard. Karl and Hans are experiencing pain but with time it will turn to pleasure, the pleasure of overcoming their fears or the pleasure of making new friends.

My run today was of about only 10K, I am going to supplement my running with biking to keep my fitness level and let my legs and joints rest a bit. I am starting to feel a bit bored of having evenings off, TV was a great distraction but now is really annoying me. Dating? too bad there is no training I can do to ease into it.

I figure if I can feel the same passion that I feel about my kids, or running,in my new job or a new relationship ( in time) there is really nothing that will stop me from succeeding at it anymore.

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