Is official, I am going back to The Canadian Death Race in 2008. I guess I am just like Joan from Lethbridge, I met her at the beginning of leg one, it was her 3rd attempt. She is an acquaintance of Darcy , I heard later she didn't finish this time either, I remember thinking, "get a life". I been thinking about the reason why I changed my mind and I figure races like this where there are a lot of factors that play importance on finishing or not is a bit like gambling. A random event, everybody has a chance. I enjoyed watching people that looked a lot younger and fitter and why not childless giving up, the part that makes me want to go back is the people that are less fit but better prepared that did finish, is sort of like playing the slot machines every day and one evening you watch somebody win the jackpot with only one quarter the first time they try on the slot machine you just walked away from.
Is been exactly 2 weeks and as predicted my legs where OK running today, I only took 2 days off but it hasn't feel the same until today. I started my new job Monday with my fingers crossed. Not that I am negative but just like the race, I might be the right person for the job and still not succeed because of other factors. I guess at this point I am just hopping I am prepared and fit for the job as well.
Harold from the CNIB was very happy when I called him with the pledge results, he said the money was going to be used in Calgary for a classroom they are building. I was happy then he said the P word. I have heard the P word over and over the past 2 weeks since the race. " You must be really proud" it got me thinking, why don't I feel proud, I feel happy, excited, I am proud of having amazing friends and family that responded so quickly to my pledge, but I wasn't proud of me, why?
What I am proud however is watching my kids win awards such as Karl's citizenship award. I felt my heart sink after watching some kids names being called to the front to receive their award,and watched with envy how their parents, moms and dads stood together side by side smiling with with pride. I felt guilty for not giving my kids the same advantage, because I thought as a single parent my kids where probably not excelling as much as kids who have both parents dotting on them. Then when it was time to announce the winner of the citizenship award, I heard the teachers voice cracked as she introduced Karl to the audience, I was so proud when I watch everybody in that audience give Karl a standing ovation, he was so modest about it,I cried so hard I had to run to the bathroom. I am proud of how Hans' classmates marched into the school office to request being placed in the same class with him again. I am proud that my kids are very well liked because they are good human beings and are fair to the people around them.
I figure why the word proud never crossed my mind when I think about myself and it is because of how I am condition to focus on the things I haven't accomplished not that ones I have. Karl is perfect example of how we should all live our lives. Karl loves hockey, he was disappointed to find out there is no league for the visually impaired. " It's a shame" he told me with sincerity " I am so good at it" . I love my kids but even I notice that Karl and great hockey player have never been spoken in the same sentence. Luckily for me Karl explained himself further. This is how he remembers. Karl never once told me that he only scored one goal in the whole season, the odds of that ever happening where not at his favour, you could hear me scream so loudly when it did because I had giving up the idea that was ever going to happen. What Karl did remember was all the things he did do. He blocked the puck from going in many times, or the many times he managed to assist a team member so he could get closer to the net. By the time Karl had finish his story I was standing next to Steve Nash and my little Karl was the MVP.
I wish that the world saw what Karl sees. I will still have my old job. I would not have sit in that office feeling like I failed them because I failed to produced the recommended new business revenue. I, just like Karl did stop my biggest client on my list from going to a competitor because they where a lot cheaper than us. 80% of sales are from current customers. I was made to quit because I failed the company 20%. Karl is right, if you take the amount if time is spent actually scoring and the amount of time is spent setting it up Karl excelled at the bigger part. It really is a shame that he will not be playing anymore, the hockey league will miss their MVP.
So I am proud, I did raised $3500, I did try my hardest, I didn't give up when all I could think was "I want to stop badly", as bad as it was I do enjoyed running a lot more now like Hans said when I came back from one of my runs last week "why do you have that creepy smile"and best of all I am proud that I didn't sit at home feeling like a victim because something like this happened to my family. That part is what I have learned for Hans. there is nobody better at moving forward that him. He spends almost no time crying about what happens and more time trying to figure out how to get out of that situation. I have learned from Hans that sometimes I have no control about what happens, but I always have control about what I do about it.
Next year when I see Joan from Lethbridge, I will tell her how proud she must make her family, after all the race is only one day out of 365, when I see her next year on her 5th try she already will be a winner. I get why her family was cheering from the sidelines, to them she is a hero, they have seen her dedication to training day after day. Joan is somebody that works hard at a goal and enjoys her successes along the way. Maybe I will meet somebody who is running the Death Race for the first time and when I will explain the is my second attempt because I didn't finish last year with a big smile on my face that shows how proud I am , I will not be offended by the sad look of " get a life" in their face, it will be Joan's and my little secret.